Fear Full
“Fear Full”
You fear that they will leave you.
You fear that they will stay.
You fear it is all bullshit.
You fear to know your art.
You fear to hide in slumber.
You fear to face the day.
You fear the things in shadow.
You fear the full of light.
You fear you are not worthy.
You fear to learn your craft.
You fear they will not see you.
You fear they’ll see your truth.
You fear to be so different.
You fear to be the same.
You fear to know abandon.
You fear to hide inside.
You fear you’ll be forgotten.
You fear nobody will care.
You fear what comes tomorrow.
You fear what is right here.
You fear to tell your story.
You fear to share your pain.
You fear the touch of loving.
You fear the feel of pain.
You fear you did it all wrong.
You fear you made mistakes.
You fear what you remember.
You fear you will forget.
You fear what you are reading.
You fear it’s really true.
You fear this is you speaking.
You fear I’m really you.
Gil Van Wagner
Note to Mom:
This is another one of those ‘in your face’ poems, Mom. The world is littered with excuses. Excuses to hide and settle for what you can handle and what you are allowed. People come to me and share their souls. I do my best to hear them. To see them. To help them. Helping them helps me.
We are all so much alike. Each of us wants to do our best. We are all alone…..together. This poem goes right to that and hits the fears; the contradictions in each fear. How we can keep ourselves from the very things we need and deserve. We love and get hurt and then love less to be less hurt and end up less loved and more hurt. Life is about the risk of hurt so that we love our way to invulnerability.
People come to me and cry, Mom. They say “how did you know?” It is common for them to wonder how I saw into them and saw more than they thought they showed me. It is easy, Mom. I am them; a living contradiction. To face the fears and know the fears but almost too afraid to face the fears and know the fears. Then others come to me and help me realize I have faced them and do face them and will continue to face them. Others facing their fears inspire me to face mine even more.
We are Fear Full and become fearless once we realize everyone else is too. It is what I do, Mom. It is what we all can and must do. First, alone and then together.